Why Do We Fight About Stupid Things?
How Emotionally Focused Therapy Can Help You Understand What Your Fights Are Really About
Have you ever found yourself telling your partner "It's not about the unwashed mug" or something seemingly random like "It's not about the mac and cheese"? If so, you're not alone. When a seemingly simple disagreement feels much bigger than it should, these moments are incredibly common in relationships. These "petty" fights aren't petty at all: they're important signals pointing to something deeper. The good news is that there's a proven path forward. Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples is specifically designed to help you and your partner understand and transform your relationship, getting to the heart of what your arguments are really about.
Small Arguments Signal Deeper Needs
After fights like these, you might find yourself typing "Why do couples fight?" into Google. These conflicts can leave us feeling befuddled, confused, and even scared. You might wonder, "Are we going to be okay if we're fighting over a box of mac and cheese?!" Let me reassure you—the answer is most often yes, and understanding what's happening beneath these arguments can help you feel more secure.
As humans, we're neurobiologically wired for connection. It's in our DNA. When our bonds feel threatened—whether in big moments or small ones—our attachment system's alarm bells start ringing.
Because we each bring our own unique story and lived experiences to our adult relationships, we all have different attachment needs and longings that help us feel secure. These fundamental needs include, but aren’t limited to:
The deep desire to feel truly lovable for who we are.
The longing to feel worthy, capable, and adequate in our partner's eyes.
The need to feel genuinely close and connected to our loved ones.
The wish to experience a real sense of belonging in our relationship.
The desire to feel deeply important to our partner.
The longing to feel truly seen and understood.
So when your partner doesn't text back, and it's been what feels like ages since you've had a meaningful connection, those alarm bells ring even louder. Why?
Because your fundamental need to feel close and connected isn't being met in that moment. The key to moving forward is understanding how these patterns of conflict unfold, so you can get to the heart of what's driving your disagreements.
Understanding Your Patterns Using Emotionally Focused Therapy
Whether it's how you and your partner argue or what you do once you begin to notice your needs going unmet, EFT is designed to help you better understand the patterns that unfold. Every couple has what EFT refers to as a "negative cycle." This cycle is a predictable pattern of reactions and responses that emerges during moments of disconnection. Beneath these reactions lie deeply held vulnerabilities and longings—the fundamental needs we discussed earlier.
What might these cycles look like in real life? Imagine this: You're starting to feel like your efforts go unnoticed, and you're consistently hearing complaints from your partner. These moments might trigger deep-seated feelings of inadequacy. Your natural response might be to retreat and disengage—perhaps spending more time at work or quietly scrolling on your phone.
Meanwhile, your partner, who deeply longs for closeness, experiences your withdrawal as a threat to your connection. They might cope by expressing frustration about how much time you spend on your phone or how often you're "hiding" in your office.
Breaking Your Patterns Using EFT Couples Therapy
The power of EFT lies in helping you identify these patterns and learning how to step out of them together. When you can recognize your cycle as the true source of distress—rather than blaming each other—you can begin working as a team to create new patterns of connection. Instead of getting caught in the cycle, you'll learn to reach for each other in ways that feel safe and nurturing for both of you.
While most of your sessions with an EFT couples therapist will focus on emotional processing, you'll also learn practical techniques to navigate your common relationship arguments.
Together, you'll discover how to slow down, access the deeper emotions beneath your reactions, and communicate your fundamental needs and longings.
This creates what we call your "new positive cycle"—a way of connecting that brings you closer rather than pushing you apart.
Over time, you and your partner can build the emotional safety and deep connection you've been yearning for all along. Those "petty fights" about mac and cheese or unanswered texts? They transform into opportunities for understanding and strengthening your relationship bond.
EFT Couples Therapy in Denver
At Colorado Therapy Collective, we specialize in helping couples transform their arguments into opportunities. We guide you to become curious investigators of your relationship patterns—working together rather than against each other. Want to learn more about how we use Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) to help couples like you? Visit our EFT specialty page to learn more about this transformative approach.
Ready to explore whether EFT couples therapy might be your next step forward? We're here to help. Reach out today for a free, no-pressure consultation with our caring intake team!
